The door to my heart

Natalie breathed in deeply, filling her lungs with air as she broke the surface, grabbed hold of the edge of the pool and hung there for a while. “Hmm,” she sighed contentedly while the film of water on her face dispersed into droplets that trickled downwards into the corners of her mouth and along her throat. She then stared sleepily into the distance at the sun rising slowly from behind the parasol pines and began to recollect the events of the past few days. It surprised her how peaceful she felt and at the same time she knew it was because something deep inside had changed. She could feel it in the way her heart beat calmly despite the intensity of the memories that now appeared before her mind’s eye.
Her parents had sensed there was something different about her the moment she walked through their front door on Wednesday evening.
“You’re looking very sure of yourself,” her dad commented while formally shaking her hand like he always did.
Natalie was quick to respond. Smiling warmly, she laid her arm around his shoulder and gave him a gentle peck on the cheek.
“I love you, Dad,” she said and without paying any attention to the surprised look on his face, she went on to her mother and gave her a big hug.
“I love you, Mum.”
“I love you too, sweetheart,” her mum responded with an equally warm smile.
Her parents weren’t used to such displays of affection, which accounted for her dad’s discomfort. Natalie smiled to herself. This was just the beginning, as especially her dad was about to find out.

The Beatles – The Long And Winding Road

Most of the people who knew Natalie’s dad, regarded him as a charismatic and strong-willed man who knew how to organize and delegate, in order to achieve anything he set his sights on. Very few of them however, were aware that there was another side to him. A side that Natalie and her mum were subjected to most of the time when no one else was present. Not very many people knew about the domineering and manipulative narcissist who constantly abused his authority and sought to control others to fuel his overgrown ego. Like many of his colleagues in the banking industry, he had lost the way to his heart a long time ago. His desire to be loved had never been fulfilled and as he was unable to find love in himself, he substituted his longing for love with an insatiable hunger for power.

Aix en Provence by rdlh
“I broke up with Sam yesterday,” Natalie announced without any introduction when they had finished their meal and began sipping their coffee. “And I’m in love with a slightly older woman called Danielle who I met last week by the old fountain at the market,” she added as if she was mentioning something as mundane as the weekly shopping.
Her dad’s mouth fell open, which was in sharp contrast to her mum’s that opened in a joyous smile.
“WHAT…? Are you out of your mind?” her dad shouted furiously as he leapt violently to his feet, knocking over his glass of vintage Gigondas wine. “With such a promising future before him, Sam is the perfect husband for you!” He raved on for a full five minutes before ending his loud tirade with a: “I demand that you phone him and make amends right now.” Then he resumed his place at the table, his heart still pounding furiously.
All the while, Natalie and her mum had calmly observed this livid outburst like they always did. However, unlike her mum, Natalie did not keep quiet out of subservience. Over the past few months, she had processed much of her old pain and drama. She was undergoing a self-administered purification course and because of it, she was now able to see herself and others more purely beneath the overlaying drama and without lapsing into victimhood. Insights into restrictive subconscious beliefs and behavioural patterns that she had developed in early childhood, came to her almost every day. These insights lay bare not only her own emotional damage and ego-driven behaviour, but that of others as well. She knew, for instance, that very similar to her dad, her ex-boyfriend Sam’s emotional drivers were based on the drama of the narcissist. The first time she became aware of this had been an eyeopener. Many pieces of the puzzle then fell into place. She realized that she was not powerless and dependent on anyone. Her true power lay within and could be called upon and exerted whenever she wished.
Wings – Let Me Roll It
“I am not responsible for your well-being, Dad, and you’re not responsible for mine,” Natalie said calmly when her dad had returned to his senses.
He did not respond. Instead he stared into the middle distance with a look of resignation on his face. As if he was finally beginning to realize it would be better for everyone, including himself, for his ego to surrender to his true self. To his soul. Natalie smiled with an intense feeling of love in her heart. She knew she had reached him and her mum too. Deep down her mum had known all along that she too had been under her husband’s control for a very long time. The time had come to follow the example set by her only child. Her wonderful daughter and the beautiful, compassionate and powerful woman who she was tremendously proud of.


Sunflowers by Pxl Photographer
It is never to late to ask yourself: Am I ready to change my life, am I ready to change myself? However old we are, whatever we went through, it is always possible to be reborn. If each day is a copy of the last one, what a pity. Every breath is a chance to be reborn. But to be reborn into a new life, you have to die before dying. – Shams of Tabriz
“I have opened the door to my heart,” Natalie whispered to herself as she returned to the present moment and heard the first cigales beginning to chirp in the nearby olive tree. There would be no more suffering, no more meeting the expectations and conditions of the outer world, no more concessions to and sparing of pained egos, no more playing a part in other people’s dramas and no more compromising her own truth. Now her true self had found its bearings again, she would continue to purify herself by letting all of her emotions flow through her while viewing these from a distance. She rejoiced at the thought of how her self-purification not only raised her energetic frequency but that of the collective as well. Her purification contributed to the purification of the people she interacted with, including those dearest to her. She knew that sometimes it was necessary to let people be for a while, so that they too could find their bearings again and venture on the way inside. This was definitely the case with her parents. They would contact her when they were ready.
Meanwhile, she decided she would simply enjoy living her new life of regained freedom. The decision caused an intense glowing sensation in her heart as it overflowed with the joy of being alive. It was then that she recalled what Danielle had said to her as she sat at right angles beside her in the cosy little restaurant two evenings ago: “I admire you because of your fine qualities, but I love you because I love you.” The meaning of those few words expressed by way of an intimate whispering in her ear, had found its way into her heart and continued to pop up at the most unexpected moments for her to savour and understand more profoundly. Then a different feeling took hold of her as she remembered making love to Danielle in a sunflower field. Her nipples tingled and her heart raced. She was unaware of her breathing becoming heavier from the ecstatic sensation deep down in her abdomen that caused her crotch to become warm and moist, and made her lick her upper lip with relish.
Donna Summer – Macarthur Park
Trees by PhotosKast

Natalie looked forward to their next encounter. After she made a mental note to phone her before her morning shower, her thoughts went back to a few minutes ago when she leapt out of bed, ran naked across the patio and dived straight into the pool with a gentle splash. The moment her hands slid through the surface followed by her head and the rest of her body, and she submerged completely, she lost all track of time. Swimming underwater, she was no longer able to reflect or contemplate, as all she could do was feel. It was as if her entire existence amounted to a perpetual sensuous experience. Her senses continuously fed her soul with new sensations, helping her to remember that to be was to feel. Feeling was the key to purification. Feeling the water as she glided through it, meant feeling every single drop as one. As a whole. Every droplet fell into place in the same way as everything in Natalie’s life – past, present and future – did.

This seemingly timeless experience lasted no more than half a minute and ended when she broke the surface and filled her lungs with air as she grabbed hold of the edge of the pool and hung there for a while. “Hmm,” she sighed contentedly while the film of water on her face dispersed into droplets that trickled downwards into the corners of her mouth and along her throat. She returned to her thoughts and realized it was Saturday. A good day for not planning anything, for just hanging about and doing whatever she felt like doing. She smiled as she watched the sun rising in all its glory. She was grateful for having the courage to open her heart. Simultaneously, she realized it had been open all along. “Now you know the door to my heart is open, Dad. All you have to do is take one small step to be reunited with me,” she said aloud as if he was squatting in front of her like he used to when she was five and he taught her how to swim. “Take every day as it comes and simply feel to purify yourself and be reunited with your soul. I love you, Dad. See you soon.”


We always have a choice. The choice between continuing to live in fear and daring to live in freedom. Freedom comes from self-purification. Purification reunites body, mind and soul as one whole and opens the door to the heart – the gateway to paradise on Earth.

For Natalie, whoever and wherever you are.

Diana Ross – I’m Coming Out

Natalie: Girl’s name, meaning ‘birthday’ and ‘birth of Christ’.


‘Woman’ by Icsilviu on Pixabay
‘Aix-en-Provence’ by rdlh on Pixabay
‘Sunflowers’ by Pxel Photographer on Pixabay
‘Trees’ by PhotosKast on Pixabay


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